That Woman

Yesterday I was that woman. The one in the store who everyone knows her kids names because they are being said over and over again in sentences like "get over here now!" and "this isn't how to behave in a store" and "if you run away/take one more thing off the shelf we are leaving without buying anything". And those demands are being met with loud protests of "No mommy!" in a distinctly 3 year old stubborn power-struggle way. These lovely public parenting interactions were interspersed with the loud cries of a fussy 2.5 month old, who would not take a pacifier and was eventually removed from his carseat to be held. This stopped his crying but made chasing his sister down that much harder. And so, in this fabric store, that I am in to buy fabric for a cape for the child who is beyond testing the limits of life outside the cart, I avoided all eye contact, my internal judgement much harsher I'm sure than what I might have met in the eyes of the other shoppers who were out on a Sunday afternoon having to listen to my kids and my reactions to them in a otherwise small and quiet store. With over 3 years of parenting in public places, I thought I was more confident than this - and I guess maybe I am with things that I feel are meant to be more out of my control, like the baby crying. But when Sophie acts out and is bratty and defiant and trying out attitudes on me I feel more self conscious. Especially when my reactions are not as patient as I would like them to be. Before having my own kids I would have judged someone dealing with that kid in the store, judged their parenting, what had they done to create a bratty kid? Now as a mom, I have so much more compassion for when shopping goes bad. It was late afternoon, Sophie was tired and we hadn't left the house all day. I know this is when she will push more, but I wanted to get out of the house and it was an errand we had talked about doing, and we were there and had what we needed in the cart so I wasn't about to really leave and pack up and leave it all to try on another day. I don't like it when I yell at her, don't like the feeling inside of knowing that my patience is gone, that I am not being the mom I want to be in that moment. And when that happens when there are other people around to witness it, then I am that woman that I swore I'd never be. There is so much about parenting no one could ever have truly explained, but I think loss of anonymity in public places has been the most socially challenging for my introverted little self.